Sunday, January 23, 2011

The Gift that Keeps Giving

Divorce is the *gift* that just keeps giving. Just when I think that the majority of the surprises are behind me, one creeps in, kicks a few table legs so I know it’s in the room, and when acknowledged, says, “Guess what” I’m one thing you did not think of.

Because of FB, I get the opportunity to see my daughter’s thoughts, when she chooses to share them there. There has been nothing bad; on the contrary she is making comments about having fun in various activities.

My insecurity lies in the fact that she is having fun without me. She is having fun with her mom. Of course I want her to have a good relationship with her mom. With the way she was treated last summer by that person, I was not sure that was possible. Apparently it is. Again, that does not make me sad or resentful or even jealous.

My insecurity, and that is where this feeling originates, is because I am not sure I am doing whatever it is that I am supposed to do to make her happy when she is with me. The divorce course that I took warned against being a “Disney Dad,” that is, buying the child’s love and happiness with gifts. (Strange that this obviously has occurred enough times that it has its own phrase in divorce lingo. Strange, or sad.)

I am truly glad she is enjoying the activities. But I got a sense of guilt—was I scheduling enough fun activities also. And one of the activities was bowling, which is not difficult nor expensive. Another was having a friend over for a sleepover, or whatever 15 year olds call it today.

I guess I won’t find the answer by writing it down here. I will only find the answer by being present in the moment with her, and when possible, scheduling a few activities myself.

1 comment:

My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog said...

I know it must be difficult, but try not to let yourself get sucked into that competition. When he/she has the opportunity to spend time with the non-custodial parent, ultimately I think the most important thing to a child coping with divorce is that they just have quality time with the parent. Sure, they probably want to have some fun while they're at it, but I don't think it needs to be a carnival. Sometimes *that* can be stressful to an already overscheduled kiddo. Make sure you are available to your daughter when you have her (it already sounds like you are way ahead of the game in this regard). My suggestion is that maybe you just ask Linda what she'd like to do during her time with you. If her requests are reasonable and not of the disneyland variety, then plan something along those lines.

Another thought...maybe you could make up kind of a special "tradition" to start with just the two of you. Maybe Fridays are pizza and board game or movie night together. Maybe you actually attend a movie on Friday night. If you both like to cook, maybe you can talk during the week about making a special meal together, choose the recipe, get the ingredients and then have fun cooking and catching up on things. Those are going to be the sorts of memories she’ll remember, not how many times you let her have a friend over or how much money you spent on a particular activity.

I was very young when my parents divorced and my father never had an active role in my life so I can't really relate any experience from my own childhood. In my own "divorce" we've managed to keep our household together at least until our son is 18 so I haven't had to cope with how difficult it might be to see your child moving on with life post-divorce, post-family. I'm sure it must be incredibly difficult. If I were in your shoes, I would probably do what it sounds like you are already doing; trying to focus on the positive…that Linda appears to be adjusting well and enjoying her time with both of you despite how difficult it must be for her not to have her parents together anymore.

In short (when am I ever “short” on words?), whenever those feelings of insecurity start ramping up, ask yourself “Am I making the most of the time I have with Linda? Am I available to her when she’s here? Am I showing an interest in her life?” I would imagine if you can answer those questions in the affirmative, you are doing a spectacular job in your role as Linda’s father and I’m sure she’d see it the same way.