Change

Change. It’s such a small word with such big consequences. Some people like change and others not so much. I like the changing of the seasons. Though here in South Texas there is not much change to speak of in that area. But even so, after spending more than half the year with daily temperatures above 80 degrees, it’s nice to have a slight change come fall and winter. But I like the weather overall in this part of the country, so after New Year’s Day, I am usually thinking about when it will get warm again.

So could you say I like the weather change or I don’t? Hmmm.

I like to change the arrangement of furniture in my house every now and then. I like the different perspective it brings to a room. When I come into that room after the furniture has been moved around, it’s almost like I am living in a new space. So I got the feeling of new living quarters without the cost. Strangely though, I have recently acquired larger pieces of furniture which are much harder to move to a new location. My couch is bigger. My bed is bigger. Heck even the TV is bigger. So has success (in that I can afford bigger stuff) thwarted my ability to change? Wow—I just compared furniture to a psychological barrier to a life transformation. Either that was a sucky metaphor or I have some intense furniture!

But sometimes people like me who enjoy certain changes are extremely resistant to others.

Example I have been thinking about, hell, sometimes fantasizing and dreaming about, a new job. I know I am blessed and fortunate to have a way to make a living in this uncertain economy. But even in a bad economy, a person can be in a less than perfect job situation. And so the current lack of abundant jobs has been a reason for my lack of effort to make this move. My job situation can best be described as an emotional roller coaster. On certain days, everything about it is just fine. I enjoy what I do. I enjoy solving problems with limited resources. I enjoy providing quality goods and services for the customers I encounter. Those are the peaks in the roller coaster ride. But what I do not enjoy are the valleys on this ride. Those are the days in which, through no fault of my own, I am suddenly chastised because the rules have changed. And I was not informed of the rules change so I invariably break the rules. (I blame genetics for this, I really do. My family has been known to have bad luck for years. We do not win raffles; if a product has the possibility of breaking, it’s the one we buy off the shelf; and we stay as far away from Vegas as we can.) So of course, if rules change without my knowledge, I will find a way to break those rules, and then I am in trouble. So you can see that I should welcome the change for a new job, were one to present itself to me.

Well said job presented itself to me. And I resisted. As a matter of fact, I actually did more than resist; I turned down the opportunity. Now it was not the ideal job. And I am not looking for the ideal job. Hey if Google sent me an email or called me saying would I come to Mountain View to work for them, I could overcome just about any psychological barrier to get on that plane and say “C-YA!” to my employers. I don’t expect that job to present itself. But, due to some networking connections, a decent opportunity did present itself.

Like I said, it was not the perfect opportunity at the perfect time. There were some concerns I had such as I would have to give up a significant amount of free time prior to getting the job. Then once I had the job secured, I might have to work longer hours. But there were also many benefits to the job. I would office in artsy-fartsy central of SA. I would have a ton of autonomy. And I would be making connections with fairly wealthy people on a regular basis.

So what the hell was my problem? That is what I have been asking myself ever since I made the decision. Well that’s not completely true. I have had my good days on the roller coaster ride but hitting several valleys in a row (yeah I know that is not possible on a roller coaster unless of course, you hit a valley, then go lower, then go lower until you are underground—wait I think I just described my job. Hey I can still laugh about it!) has made me rethink my decision.

So what is stopping me? I know pretty much the situation on both sides. Staying means more of the same highs and lows, with the lows seeming to outnumber the highs for the last several months. Jumping into the new situation means some certainties and other uncertainties.

Ah there’s the rub, isn’t it?

It’s the fear of the unknown. If I stay at the present job, I know what can be expected. But that is only to some degree. But then again if something unforeseen happens, I can rationalize to myself that I was taking the best course I knew at the time. In the end, though, I am only offering an explanation to myself, no one else. So either way, if something unforeseen happens, I have to cope with it.

Sure there is less possibility of something unforeseen happening in the present situation. So it is safer, then, isn’t it?

Strangely enough, I have a similar situation with, well, trying to decide whether to buy a new truck. Yes it is not as life changing as a job. But I am still dealing with unknowns, all financial. Safe means staying with the present vehicle, though I’ve heard about problems with the model and it just doesn’t seem well put together. Fear means buying a new vehicle that I know will be better mechanically but I don’t know if my gas costs will rise.

Looking into the abyss, I don’t know what dangers lurk. But I know that adventures and wonder and good fortune make be hiding there. Until I leap, it’s an unknown. After I leap, it’s too late.

Or is it?

The Gift that Keeps Giving

Divorce is the *gift* that just keeps giving. Just when I think that the majority of the surprises are behind me, one creeps in, kicks a few table legs so I know it’s in the room, and when acknowledged, says, “Guess what” I’m one thing you did not think of.

Because of FB, I get the opportunity to see my daughter’s thoughts, when she chooses to share them there. There has been nothing bad; on the contrary she is making comments about having fun in various activities.

My insecurity lies in the fact that she is having fun without me. She is having fun with her mom. Of course I want her to have a good relationship with her mom. With the way she was treated last summer by that person, I was not sure that was possible. Apparently it is. Again, that does not make me sad or resentful or even jealous.

My insecurity, and that is where this feeling originates, is because I am not sure I am doing whatever it is that I am supposed to do to make her happy when she is with me. The divorce course that I took warned against being a “Disney Dad,” that is, buying the child’s love and happiness with gifts. (Strange that this obviously has occurred enough times that it has its own phrase in divorce lingo. Strange, or sad.)

I am truly glad she is enjoying the activities. But I got a sense of guilt—was I scheduling enough fun activities also. And one of the activities was bowling, which is not difficult nor expensive. Another was having a friend over for a sleepover, or whatever 15 year olds call it today.

I guess I won’t find the answer by writing it down here. I will only find the answer by being present in the moment with her, and when possible, scheduling a few activities myself.

Divorce--Reposting

I had put this posting on this blog several months ago. I took it down shortly thereafter, but I really don't know why. So I am putting it up once more--unedited so the timelines are not correct for today.

Today is one month anniversary of the divorce being finalized. I thought final was supposed to mean final, as in no more hassle with that crap. But one month after the papers were signed there are still one or two things in a state of flux.

First because the ex decided to find an attorney from a fortune cookie or maybe in the bottom of a box of cracker jack (is that still made—hang on—googling—yes somewhere you can still buy Cracker Jack—good to know) we slog through the mess he made of the child support paperwork. Simply put, he did not file the correct forms or did not file all the required forms. Then to complicate matters, he is not responsive to anyone. He works on his own schedule. This has been one of the most frustrating parts about all of this. Not only do I have to put up with the hassle of continuing to communicate with the person I like least at the moment, I cannot get past the mundane tasks of the divorce. And why is this--because of her choices. So once again her bad choices affect my day too day life. Luckily I have a pretty good attorney on my side. At lease I feel like she knows what she is doing. So I am not without resources to get this solved.

I have not written about this part, but the emotional distress on me due to the divorce has been very little to nothing at all. This is because I felt the emotional connection was over a long time ago. My emotional hassles in all of this have been frustration at how she has handled issues which did not need to be handled so they were ugly or dirty, but that is how she chose to handle these things. And I hate the effect it has had on Linda. She has had to change schools, move to a different home and basically start fresh.

But it has brought Linda and me closer. So that is a positive.

What’s next for me? Opportunities are unknown but they are out there waiting. I embrace the new chapter.

New addition added on 01/23/11
In the end, my attorney was crap too. Apparently she cared until it became a hassle and inconvenient to care. I was almost to the point of reporting her to, well whomever one reports crappy attorneys to.

Adaptation

For many years, my two dogs have lived outside. Their entire existence, except for the rare dash into the house, was the backyard. For dogs, they had a good life. They got fed each day, could explore the yard, bark at passers-by and chase a ball once in a while and got regular belly rubs.

But something was missing.

After my divorce I started thinking about maybe, just maybe letting them come inside more. My daughter moved out to live with her mother and took her border collie with her. The border collie was an indoor dog. So I already knew what to expect—some shedding (vacuum cleaners need jobs too) and the occasional muddy paw print on the tile floor.

The oldest dog, Pongo,, somehow sensed that she belonged inside. She would try to go into the house whenever she was near the door. Nah—she could not really “know” I was thinking about bringing them in.

Besides they have lived their entire lives of 13 years outside. Conventional wisdom said they were not house broken and as soon as nature calls, they would take care of business wherever they are, including the living room.

Then a trip the vet forced me to rethink this. Ariel, the middle dog, tested positive for heart worm disease. The treatment requires that the dog is kept very calm for many weeks, as long as three months. Okay, I reasoned, calm I could do. I could keep her confined to one part of the yard and she won’t have a chance to exert herself. Nope—not good enough according to the vet. She had to be inside, out of our extreme summer heat of 100 degree temps.

Well, that was it—she was going to move in if I wanted her to survive the treatment. This is not a problem—I could confine her to the kitchen area. If she made a mess, it would be easy to clean off a tile floor. Strangely, she never once made a mess.

The first night she was very confused. A lot of crying and pacing. Then she laid down. That was it. As soon as she was able to fall asleep on the “comfort” of the kitchen floor, she was an indoor dog.

As the weeks went by I felt really bad for telling Pongo, the oldest dog, that she had to stay outside all night while her “sister” could come in. Slowly I started letting Pongo come in too. Her acclamation to indoor life was much slower. She was very hyper every time I let her in, so much so that I could only handle about 20 minutes of this hyper dog before I put her back outside.

But I did not give up. I kept bringing her in and tried to let her get used to the space at her own pace. She would explore, sniff and find her way in this new world.

Then one day, it happened! She calmed down enough to actually lay down. Of course, as soon as I noticed this, she noticed me noticing her and got right back up with renewed energy.

Again, she and I were making progress, but she could still be a wild dog that had a habit of knocking things over. Back outside she went. I would tell her as she gave me the big puppy eyes (what other kind of eyes can a dog use on a person) that she could eventually come inside. Yeah she understood zero of that but liked it that I was talking to her in a calm voice.

Meanwhile Ariel was loving her new existence as an indoor dog. She had a bed and slept soundly through the night.

Then I tried giving Pongo her own space too. I put together an old blanket and a sheet. That was the step she was waiting for. Once she knew she had a space to call her own, just like the other dog, she was calm. Well, she was calm-er.

Okay we just lost several readers who closed the browser or headed back to Google to find a less crazy article to read.

Yes I said that Pongo realized Ariel had something she did not.

Now both of them are indoor dogs. Neither one messes in the house. Of course common sense is still needed. I cannot leave them in the house for many, many hours unattended. And I have to keep certain items out of their reach or behind a closed door.

As a writer, I despise clichés. I think a cliché is a lazy way to make a point. But I approached this whole situation with an old cliché in my mind—you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. These two old dogs either were never told to abide by that, maybe they’re not that old, or the saying is not true all the time.

I also learned something about myself. I had a desire to have indoor dogs. I wanted the dogs to be near me more hours in the day. I knew it would be good for them and for me. So, even though I was skeptical, I had a desire to make something happen. I acted on it. I planned. I tried some tactics that did not work. I tried some new tactics until I found something that did work. I did not give up. Now I have indoor dogs.

I wonder what else I can accomplish? Hmmmm.

Internet Radio

A friend introduced me to a new world online that I knew probably existed, but never, for some reason, went looking for it. Private, personal internet radio stations and radio shows. She told me she did a radio show once a week online. She sent me a link and I listened to the show. Her show is whatever she wants it to be. She plays music—any music she chooses—that she happens to own—and talks when she feels like it.

I knew this had to be 'out there somewhere'' in the expanse of the internet and I was surprised that I never had the curiosity to find it. I'll waste at least 20 minutes or more looking for the name of an actor in just one episode of some TV show from the 80s, but did not think to look for gems like personal radio stations.

Anyway, so what is the big deal?

The big deal is that this was happening in the early days of radio in the 1950s and 1960s. The biggest name of course was Wolfman Jack, but there were others too. These were the trailblazers who defied the laws and broadcast whatever they wanted. Later, there were many, many more who did this legally. The legal guys used small transmitters barely capable of reaching 10 or 20 miles, if that. But the idea was exactly the same—play a radio show of whatever you want, whenever you want.

Another friend of mine used to lament the fact that there are so few stations that do not cater to the mainstream but rather play the huge selection of great music that is available but not necessarily popular. If you listen to radio at all, you know this is true. Commercial radio stations play the popular music—sure there are different musical formats—but if it is a commercial radio station, 95% are playing only popular music.

The rationale is not hard to understand. Money is required to operate a radio station. The money to operate a commercial radio station comes from the advertisers. Advertisers want a return on their investment, that is, they want to sell more products or services due to their radio advertising. If only a few people are listening to the radio station, only a few will hear the advertiser’s commercials. No return for them means no money for that radio station.

But remove money from the equation and a whole new world of programming possibilities arises. Not only music, but news, sports, commentary, even public service information can be disseminated freely. However since the people providing such wonderful programming still have to make a living themselves, they won’t do this on a full time basis. It will only be offered as their free time permits.

However, this runs contrary to a need our modern society has created. Instant gratification. We don’t want to wait until the person giving us this wonderful, custom radio experience is able to do so. We want it whenever we feel the need.

Years ago, even before television news was available every day, if you wanted news, you waited until the daily newspaper was delivered to you. You might not know of a dramatic event until 24 hours after it happened. Strangely enough, that was okay back then.

Because of this instant-gratification need of ours, we overlook the fine radio programming that could be ours, if we simply were willing to wait. Teenagers in the 1960s had to wait at least till the next night to hear the music and personality they could not get on a regular radio station. Maybe we should be willing to wait for quality too and just enjoy it while it is available.

Creativity

This evening's blog will be about the creative people, present and past, who inspire me. My problem with not writing as much as I should have over the past several years is not lack of talent. It is lack of drive and confidence in what I have to say. When I really get into the writing, I'm good. I'm damn good and when I really try, it gets noticed.

So why don't I try more? Distractions in the form of job stress, fatigue caused by the job, family activities, and again that gnawing feeling that it is not worth a crap. There lies the contradiction. Two sentences earlier I said I am good. Then I say I feel like I am not good. So the answer is BIC time. For non-writers that is Butt-In-Chair time. Just plant the rear in the chair for a set amount of time and don't allow it to come out of the chair until that time is up. This method has been proven successful again and again and again.

And many of these creative people knew this or know this. Though they had a passion for their art, they would not have been successful if the distractions of life got in the way.

Syd Barrett; Benny Andersson ; Bjorn Ulvaeus; Ansel Adams; John Lennon; Gene Roddenberry; Charles Dickens; the writer of the Christmas commercial for Salvation Army bell-ringers; and of course many many many more.

Want to Be More Productive Today

Beginning day two—okay so really this is day three. I began showing cold symptoms yesterday and when it came time to blog, my heart was up to it but my runny nose told me to go to bed. But I told my nose that it would not allow me to skip a day; I would have to blog twice tomorrow, which is now today.

I felt somewhat productive yesterday. I worked on the character conversation more. I say 'somewhat' because that did not add any words at all to the book itself. However, it's possible that it did add words—the stuff I worked on yesterday could end up in the book. More to be done today, but I want to only congratulate myself if I make actual progress on the book.

Another voice inside my head tells me that what I am doing here is actually progress. That voice reminds me that many days and weeks go by during which time absolutely nothing is written. A writer is supposed to write, right? And I am writing. The voice needs to remind me that many writers out there write only blogs and many of them are successful.

Hey, if I could add something to the book and begin work on the freelance stuff at the same time, then I would really feel productive.

Vacation Begins

I officially begin my vacation tomorrow. I have been off for the past three days, but one was a holiday and the other two were Saturday and Sunday. In some ways, I think this vacation will be too short. I relish the opportunity to not have to think about work and its problems until January 6. Yet that seems remarkably too soon. There are other events that need to be in our planning for January, but I don’t like thinking about that time, because then the vacation will be over.

However, I have learned recently to not dwell on the negatives as much. This was difficult for me as recently as a year or so ago. But either I am finally figuring out what many know, (and what many never figure out) that dwelling on negative thoughts does not do me any good. And worrying about the future totally screws up the present. So I will endeavor to live for the moment or at least try to. It’s hard to change a psyche that has been developed for 40+ years, but I feel I am closer to achieving that goal than ever before.

White House Vs. Fox

Was it stupid, cunning, bold, silly or an abomination for the White House to publicly take on Fox "news?"

This is one of those times when it’s perplexing to be a progressive. When the good guys (our president, not like the previous resident) takes on the bad guys (the conservative, lying bull-horn of Fox "news") it is tempting to just say, “Yeah! It’s about time we put them in their place.”

The problem is that I do not want the president himself spending one second of the precious little time he has in his day on these hate mongers. The obvious reason is that the administration just added a whole lotta fuel to the fire.

The bigger reason is that it is not worth the time.

Now if the President himself did not actually exert any energy at all on this except to possibly use 20 seconds or less to review the situation and approve it, then I guess I don’t have a problem with this. If his staff fit this into their schedule (still rather them spend time on something that actually helps the common person) then it does not bother me as much.

Regarding any questions of censorship, that’s a load of crap and any journalist who has worked with powerful figures knows it. No one is required to make themselves available to the press (exceptions to people who work for some organization that has this rule, such as professional athletes.) Though the balance between politicians and the press is delicate, if the politician decides not to give an interview, it’s not censorship—it’s the nature of the game.

Stating the obvious

Once in awhile, I read about someone stating what is so painfully obvious to me, that I have to say, "yeah, I agree completely." Such was the case at a town hall meeting with Barney Frank. Said to those who continue to yell and boo when he tried to answer:

"Disruption never helps your cause," he said more than once. "It just looks like you're afraid to have rational discussion."

See a few more gems here:

Barney Frank goes toe to toe

Latest Rant

I thought that I would find less to be outraged about during an Obama administration. And for the most part, I am not even unhappy, let alone outraged about the administration. No the source of my consternation is the usual--extreme conservatives and right-wing hate mongers who wish to scare the largely uninformed, ignorant public into their narrow viewpoints. Silly me for thinking that the conservative attack machine would stop once the people spoke to elect a progressive, Democratic President and put a solid Democratic majority in the Senate.

True silliness indeed.

Nope the attack machine is alive and well. And it's taking people down with it.

In the insane health care debate, I watch the tape of people yelling at each other. I watch the liberal pundits playing it over and over and over again (hey--it's not easy to fill 24 hours of news.) The liberals say it is caused by large corporations who have hired meeting organizing
companies to purposely disrupt the meetings. If I get morbidly curious, I may watch the conservatives (very briefly--I do not have a strong stomach) and see them say the yelling is simply everyday people voicing their concern over a government that is becoming too much like Europe.

But my chagrin is complicated. I'm upset that the media would rather play the yelling tapes continuously (and interview more pundits who agree with them) instead of interviewing the lawmakers and asking to have the versions of the health care bills explained.

Oh, now and again they will get a sound byte from a Democratic legislator who will give a 20 second summary of what their version of the bill is or is not. Then before the lawmaker (you know, the people who can actually pass or defeat the bill) can say more, they say, let's take another look at another town hall.

And of course the viewing audience loves it. It satisfies their desire to see a commotion, to watch the pain of other people. It's an escape. But even there I exaggerate--because most Americans are not watching even the 24 hour news channels regularly. They're watching whatever reality crap the networks are feeding them. Heaven forbid they would go to bed wondering if Jon and Kate actually blew up at each other (like the entertainment reporters predicted they would.) Now that's real drama.

Unless, of course, it isn't. It's more controlled than the corporate-sponsored shouting at the town-hall meetings.

I'm upset at the childish, insecure, right-wing power freaks who would rather scare the idiotic masses into many more decades of financial ruin on a broken health care system than actually do the job they were elected to do, which is to provide security and the promise of prosperity for all Americans.

But what I am really angry about is that we are being manipulated by powerful people. These people have very little concern for the average person.

I do not feel that way about all elected officials. I have hope for the President and many progressive members of Congress. However, we are in need of an extremely strong, powerful leadership to stand in the face of a wall of adversity and rise above the shouting to guide the masses into something that is actually good for all. I hope we discover that person is in office and is up to the task. I am not positive he or she is there yet.

Political Games--Part 1

Being a news junkie, I get my news from several sources. The majority of the news is political. We are “privileged” to have so much information about our government and the people we have “elected” to serve us.

If I could use some image using mere words and fonts to express dripping sarcasm, I would have done so for the previous two words in quotes.

The particular information that I get from the constant barrage of news has shown me what a game our government has become.

That’s right. Our elected representatives, with few exceptions, are playing a game with our lives, our towns, our money.

And this is perfectly okay with all of us. Fact is, we’re so used to hearing about the maneuvering that takes place in Washington that we don’t think it strange.

We should not blindly accept the current processes in government just because that is how things are done.

For example, when the president nominates an individual to fill a cabinet post, that person has to receive a certain number of votes from both houses of Congress to be confirmed in that position. This is part of the checks and balances in our government.

However, notice that the person many times must face rigorous questioning from Congress. Still all good. Still a part of the checks and balances. But pay close attention to the news media coverage and to the final vote. The news usually will report on the likelihood of whether the person will be confirmed and they do this from speaking with people in the know—people within the circles of Congress. This reporting takes place either before or during the questioning. So, unless the media is getting false information from those insiders, then most of the representatives have already made a decision about their confirmation vote. This makes me ask, why bother spending taxpayer money on the questioning process? Why not go straight for the vote? If the outcome has already been decided, what is gained from the questioning?

This makes me think that either the representatives really want to get good information to the public about the nominee or it’s a bunch of political posturing and political theatre. The members of Congress want to appear tough to each other and to their constituents. And what part of governing does ‘appearing tough’ serve?

It does not serve any part of governing—it serves the political interests of the representative.

Of course, we are not totally defenseless against this part of the game. The news media may not report this, but the voting record of all representatives is public information. If we want to take back the government, or at least give it to someone whom we think won’t play games, then we have that opportunity at the voting booth. Even before the next election, we have the right to contact the office of the representative and ask why she or he voted a certain way on any vote.

Sadly, two huge human obstacles get in the way. One is the fact that regardless of wanting our government to work without political ambition, it has functioned this way for so long, it is a large beast that would be hard to tame. And secondly, though we have the right and ability to question our representatives now and at election time, the general public is too apathetic to do so.

Stupid Geeks

Over time, I’ve heard many say, “I’m not really smart, but I have common sense.” I completely agree that ‘book-learnin’ does not necessarily assume good decision-making abilities.
But it amazes me when otherwise smart people do something really stupid, especially when the stupid act is done in their own field of study.

For example, I have known of a nurse who smoked while pregnant. Or I hear in the news of techno geeks (others in my field) who don’t think about security when using digital media or communications.

Recently, an MP3 player bought at a thrift shop had Unites States military data on it. Luckily, it was not data that could threaten the security of the country or our service personnel.
But I know exactly how this could happen. You see, geeks love to try stuff—stuff as in apps they have never seen before. When a new app is released, even if the computer geek has no use for it at the moment, she will get the app and give it a run-through.

When controlled, this mentality is good. It ensures the public gets software and gadgets that work as they are supposed to work.

However stupidity enters the equation when the geek finds an app that is supposed to do something that the geek didn’t know it could do. Then that personality of testing the app kicks in. However the geek needs some real world method to test the app. And let’s say the app is, oh I don’t know, the ability to store raw data such as text on an MP3 player.

So the geek, who happens to be working for a branch of the US government, has a few hundred lines of text of service personnel data lying nearby, and he thinks, “hey this will be a good test. Why don’t I drop this text onto the MP3 player data app just to watch it work and get my ‘technology is cool’ fix for the day?”

But I forgot to mention the other part of the geek mindset that is important. Geeks think they do not make mistakes. Non-geeks live with a certain, healthy amount of fear when they are around computers. Geeks do not have this fear. This is a bad thing.

So our government-paid techno geek drops the confidential military info onto the app, knowing full well that he needs to delete it when he is done playing—sorry, testing and debugging.

However, immediately after he watched the app perform, and made a mental note of how he would have done it slightly differently and of course better, he gets a phone call that someone in accounting needs help understanding the difference between webmail and email downloaded to a local computer. He shuts down all of his systems and heads off to once again save the day with his wizardry and guruness, and of course stops to lecture everyone in accounting about using pet names for their passwords.

He gets back to his desk, sees his MP3 player there and wonders why he has not sprung for the nicer one and decides to see what he can get for it at the thrift store and then head home to buy the better one online.

Well, you can see how book-learnin’ does not equate with common sense.

The People vs The Politicians

Please, someone, tell me that someone, anyone has a problem with our elected officials constantly playing politics instead of governing. If you follow the main stream media, notice that the majority of the coverage about politicians and our legislative process focuses on who can make deals with whom and how a certain deal will benefit the party or the politician. And the media seems just fine with this.

Most pundits from the major outlets do not question this thinking. Even bloggers and the so-called underground media say little about this.

The problem is that we have built a sub-culture of politicians. Many of them have re-election as their main goal. Their everyday actions are centered around what they should or should not do in any given instance based on how it will affect their chances for re-election.

It is often reported that a member of Congress voted a particular way on a bill because he or she was making a deal (or making good on a previous promise) with another member. Wait. I thought our elected officials should be voting based on what is best for their constituents.

Of course, if asked, the politician will always tell you that they did consider the people when voting. Well, if that were the case, then political lobbying would not work. It obviously does work, or the corporations would not continue paying lobbyists to influence votes.

In the latest mess in Congress, the Democratic majority has promised to block the appointment of Roland Burris due to the so-called "taint" of the indicted Governor of Illinois. One analyst said the majority fears losing that Senate seat in the next election because the people will not want to vote for the 'tainted' appointee.

So they fear losing the Senate seat to a Republican. This would take one seat away from their majority (and they need every possible seat to maintain the majority.) And so losing the majority means the Republicans will have the power in Congress.

But doesn't all of that assume that they are positive that the 'good' laws come from Democrats and the 'bad' laws from Republicans? And I say this even though I prefer the Democrats usually.

Again--where are the 'people' in all of this? They are not considering the credentials of Roland Burris at all. He could possibly be the best qualified to serve the people of Illinois. But that is not even a consideration.

There are numerous other cases in which our elected officials choose party and politics over what is right.

And I think this is wrong.

Being a news junkie in this era when news is available 24 hours a day is surprisingly difficult. Let me rephrase that. Being a news junkie with a brain in these times is difficult.

The problem lies in the fact that the news outlets have to make money. To make money, they have to sell advertising. To sell advertising they have to convince the advertisers that someone is watching. This means they have to get good ratings. Ratings equals advertisers equals money.

In order to get good ratings, the news companies have to keep big stories in front of people. This creates a new problem because on some days, there are not any big stories. But this does not mean they cannot fight for those ratings that they still need.

So when the big news does not exist, they create it. So we are back to my problem of being a news junkie with a brain. I want news, but I want news that is actually news, not some over-hyped, over-used and over-analyzed story that the cable hosts are delivering as though it is humans stepping foot on Mars.

The current over-cooked story is that of whether Caroline Kennedy is qualified to be a United States Senator. CNN's Roland Martin correctly stated the actual, constitutional requirements to be a US Senator. You, know, silly, unimportant things like minimum age and citizenship of the state you wish to represent, and...and...wait, there has to be more than that, right. Well, um, no. That's it.

But yet pundits abound with opinions about whether she is "qualified." Also most political pundits have a tone in their writing that states they hold the object of their piece in total, disgusted contempt.

After a while, this type of venom is hard to digest. But since I am a news junkie, I have to get my fix. However because the reporting quality is so bad, I switch the channel or look for another news site or blog to read.

Once in awhile I will find someone with sanity--usually not the interviewer but rather an interviewee--who states what I have thought all along. In the case of Ms. Kennedy, one analyst correctly stated that all of the media's opinions really do not matter in this issue. In this instance, the vacant senate seat will be chosen by the governor of New York, not by election. And it was quickly stated that the governor probably did not care about the press' opinions on the issue.

So once again, this is much ado about nothing. After this is settled, the press will move on to the next big story, whether real or contrived, and news junkies like me will watch until we turn away in disgust, knowing that we are a pawn in the 24-hour-a-day news game.

Passion for the leader

Though I have always held a strong distaste for politicians and the political process in this country, I watched with guarded hope (positive pessimism?) that this presidential election would be different. Though it began like all others--it ended very differently.

I was pleasantly surprised to learn that Americans finally had had enough of the staus quo. Finally, enough people were hurting in one way or another that more of the masses decided to speak with a vote than in recent years.

I have also been amazed at the reaction both within this country and from around the globe. For years I have seen the passion of the population in the developing world after an election. The raw emotion that is exuded by the citizens only because a new leader was chosen was always mystifying to me. I could not grasp how anyone could feel so strongly about a leader of a country.

It's occurred to me now that is exactly how so many Americans feel.

Maybe I have never seen this before because we have not had anyone to feel that good about. Oh, sure, there have been some elected officials that I thought were better than others. But for the most part, the top leaders in our country have always been priveledged white men.

And now, in a country in which only 140 years ago, blacks were not citizens, (and by some statutes, were not even fully human) we now have a black man as the next leader. But it is more than just the color of his skin or his background that excites me.

I think Barack Obama understands the common person. He is not from a wealthy family. He did not have accolades handed to him just because of a birthright. Obama worked for everything he has accomplished.

More than that, he has worked to better the community around him. And I firmly believe he will work to better our country.

The medicine

On goes the daily, sometimes hourly reminders to myself that I take some medicine every day. I often watch someone on TV or see a person in a store that is around my age. Many times I think, why can't I be more like that person? That person lives his life without having to take a drug just to get through the day.

Whenever I utter or think such a blanket statement, the sentiments of my contrary friend who is always the voice of reason come into my head.

"How do you know that person is not on some kind of drug to get through his day? Maybe he is masking it, just like you. The casual observer would not know that you have to take medicine to get through the day."

And that is the truth. My medicines are minor in comparison to many, many others.

I have a physical impairment. But, it is not terminal. Nor is it yet restricting my life. I am so much more fortunate than the person living with a terminal illness. Or even the person who takes drugs all day and still never feels normal.

So on it goes.

Soul Provider

I was making some mix CDs for a friend today. I was going through stacks of my own mix CDs looking for the right combination of songs that he would like.

On three separate CDs, I found Michael Bolton's "Soul Provider." I liked that song, but I did not know I had put it on three different compilations.

That song always makes me smile. It reminds me of my first job as a program director at a small town radio station in Iowa. It was 1989. I had been unemployed for about 3 months, and am not proud to say, living on handouts from my parents. I had moved to Iowa from Texas to take the job.

"Soul Provider" was a big hit on the radio at the time. And since I was in radio and we played that song, I heard it several times every day.

I wonder what it is about those memories that give me a good feeling. I certainly did not want to take that job.
Sure, it was exactly the type of job I wanted, but it was in the wrong place. It would mean moving away from my friends and everything I knew as familiar. I had lived in Iowa before, but not for about 9 years.

Plus I have never been the type to boldly strike out into the unknown. And that is exactly what I was doing. With other jobs that I had started, I had something familiar to go back to at the end of the day. At the end of my work day there, I would find my way back to an unfamiliar apartment in an unfamiliar town.

But the strain of all these things are not the memories I have. When I hear that song, I have only good memories.
They are memories of good feelings. Things were "right" in my world. Things were "correct." Instead of trepidation of the unknown and remorse for the things left behind, I remember the anticipation of starting the career I had always wanted. It was my first step in that direction and I was positive that only good things were to come.

I stayed there for a year. About 13 months after I was hired, I was laid off, replaced due to new management. The job itself was not the ideal position that I thought it would be. I struggled constantly as the job was not a good fit for me. There were many times that I had no clue of what I was supposed to do and was in situations that I did not know how to handle. I was so incompetent in many aspects of the job. My memories are vivid of the times I wanted to just hide because I was so helpless to understand what the correct action to take was.

But as I write this and try to understand why I liked that year, the positive memories are strong. Even though I felt overworked and underpaid, I had the chance to go to Chicago once each month to see my friend who was in seminary there. The mere fact that I could go to the big city once every 4 weeks was great. And my friend and I built memories in that year that we still cherish. So that year brought us much closer than we were previously.

I was also free. I spent my time exploring the local area and taking pictures. I volunteered for several shows at a nearby community theatre. Though I was never a wild single and definitely not a partier, I relished the time that I had to do as I wished.

Maybe the song is life's way of allowing me to hang on to the good experiences from that year and to let the unfortunate circumstances go.

Little Blue Icon--The Muse

The muse has been calling me. The muse can take any form she chooses. Lately she takes the form of the little blue icon at the bottom of the computer screen. Notepad. That's her, all right.

The notepad icon chases my dreams.

Most nights it doesn't even wait for sleep. It invades my thoughts as my head finds the pillow.
Why notepad? Notepad is simple. She knows she's being unpretentious. She has no fancy fonts to distract me. None of the latest programming in software can get in my way of what she wants me to do. She is blue. That could be a ploy too. But mostly she is just simple.

She also thinks that if she is simple the rest will appear simple too. The words will simply come out. The words that rattle around all day can easily be committed. There is no chance that something is going to be lost due to lack of memory.

The muse is using every tool she has available.

She knows what I want. She knows what stands in the way. She calls me. She continues to call.
She is smug. The blue icon is open. The fingers are typing.

She knows she won.

The new illness--taking pain medicine

I am still taking the precription pain killers daily. You know, just being on a prescription pain medicine is itself an ailment in today's society.

Everyone has an opinon of what is best for me "You should not have to take that strong medicine--you're going to become addicted." "I know someone who takes it daily and it is not good--your doctor should do something." Here's one of my favorites. "I used to take pain medicine, but I decided I did not want to be a drug addict so I just stopped."

It's interesting how everyone out there has an opinon of what is best for me, but they're not me. However that does not change the mental struggle I go through daily. Am I taking too much? Why am I taking it? Would I have as much pain if I did not have a stressful job?

Here's the tape that I tend to replay again and again: I don't want to be a drug addict. I should just be tough enough to handle the pain. Pain, what pain? The pain is all in your head. You're taking this medicine to feel good, not because you need it. Besides, if you stopped taking the medicine, you could enjoy beer again.

My doctor is not concerned--she just wants to see me regularly. She continues to renew the prescription. She told me frankly that, due to my back problems, I may be on this for life unless I want to have the back surgery. And she is okay with that.

We have a friend who had the major back surgery (he was much worse off than me) and though
he had it, and went through 6 weeks recovery and then physical therapy on top of that, he
tells me he still has pain and he will wear a back brace for the rest of his life. Plus he is younger than me.

And I just saw a report on local news of a woman who had the surgery twice and still had
pain. So I think the surgery does not always work.

It is interesting what a stigma this medicine has become in today's society. There are many afflictions that many people live with everyday. And they take some form of medicine because of an affliction. But they're not ostercized. They are doing what they have to do to have a good quality of life with their health problems. So why can't I?

Maybe a lot of people have chosen this medicine to be the evil one because it has a side effect that causes a mild euphoria. And it is abused.

I know my pain. My pain is real. Was some of the pain caused by the medicine? Maybe. Could removing the medicine remove that new pain? Possibly. Meanwhile it is my decision. And it is my decision to stay away from any discussions of this subject with people who do not live with the pain.